as pleased as punch, aren't we all!
finished my agenda no.1 on the list, which was loner shopping. and boy, it was knee-meltingly sole-soringly amazing. clothes therapy for the win, give it some applause!

now, for the next few days, I shall proceed to play my brains out.

-

another ongoing agenda is reading as much manga as possible
although that may turn out severely detrimental; I have the attention span of a hamster right now and can't sit still long enough to read a proper paper novel (oh D:)

recent titles I've mowed through:

07 Ghost



Teito Klein, the oblivious and amnesiac. He has no idea he carries the Eye of Mikhail, the power & heirloom of the Raggs Kingdom - a heirloom so badass that it caused neighbouring kingdom, Barsburg to start a jealous war & the decimation of the entire Raggs itself (or so it seems).

Via a series of complicated events by which Teito becomes less oblivious, he eventually starts on a mission to become also less amnesiac. ...Unfortunately, he embroils himself in alot more politics than that.

wiki info

the good
very fun! more fast paced than most, good for the attention deficited. fantasy-ish, rpg-ish, some awesome albeit soft-core politics going on in there. big plus point for recurrent theme about relationships and not letting oneself get loaded down by the past. now, thats a manga with alot of humanity. best of all: 0% romance as of the mo. nice touch in developing side-character backgrounds, too.

the not so good
main character may be too much of a gary stu. hard to differentiate between characters (...the bishops...), could be an overload of inspirational quotable storydom for some.

Kuroshitsuji



Butler: Sebastian Michaelis, Demon. Serves Ciel Phantomhive, 12-year old human. Ciel runs a toy & candy empire, while cleaning up London's crime - how? With a "Sebastian, this is an order." Turns out, having a contract with a demon gives one an personal handmaiden, an on-call assasin, a party specialist, and really great desserts...

wiki info

the good
very appealing art. the eyelashes in there are as long as several llamas'. seriously. and gosh, the sweets! the setup and the characters themselves give the manga alot of its charm. it's also nice how all the characters are alot more capable than they seem, it helps the manga have a sense a humour w/o being overly goofy at all the wrong moments. & I'll say this again, niiice politics!

the not so good
started off good but loses stamina in some parts i.e. got boring. atmosphere of the story went in the same direction - tastes like good wine, but doesn't mature fast enough. opinion: characters are stuck on being formulaic, 8 volumes on and the earl is still too helpless. relationships between characters in general are seemingly, as of now, 1 dimensional.

also may be biased against this manga because it is ...lukewarm - obvious similarities to Count Cain/Godchild, but the disturbia & pain it attempts to evoke is more a less a watered down version of the former. c'mon, be more extreme! still has potential though, since the series has yet to reach its climax.

“Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law.”
Psalm 119:18

-

'...hey,'
in a sea of only myself,
it is hard to Hear

let me reach the shore soon.


& for As, every paper somehow smells funny (metaphorically)
I feel like a boy that got a box instead of a bike for my birthday
mantra: bell curve, bell curve, bell curve
backup mantra: levitation, levitation, levitation
...but in time, it'll be alright. so, smile genuinely ~ (a)

the feeling is one of a kind
a tad liberating, like hanging on to a last bit of tightrope
myself, my nerves (wafting in my stomach, then, gripping deep)
and the exam paper
there is,
a pitiful scrap of a chance
and like a madman, I
write.
steadily, furiously, just so I can almost begin to
grasp
it

& I sometimes think. if exams were really the simulations they were meant to be, the little tots' world of super childproof equipment
a small tete a tete, easing us into the big adult playground
what grade would they give for desperation?

in jc its strange
a world where you think you can sort-of kind-of see the real world. but nope, not really, "we're just kids."
some things that are precious, they come from there. little dog eared tips that we forget to notice unless we flip back, like

how the importance of relativity was unspoken emphasis in every other authorial speech

softened stereotypes (because we are now, more versed in adult diplomacy & its subsequent adult understanding)

how to be told "it's absolutely important" and "actually, it doesn't matter much" in the same breath, and still feel comforted either way (oh, who am I kidding. it felt nasty)

awkward but pleasant camaraderie, where cliques are a given but being thickskinned, and warm is another given

the slight struggle of balancing 'isms': realism, idealism, optimism, pessimism - when truth be told, the time would have been better spent eating icecream. sugar is a better mood stabiliser

can't think of anymore. but yes, it was a strange, 2year world. and now, thinking about it
it is something I will miss
in a fleeting, transient sort of way
(a)!

if blood is blood
then blood will flow,
that's all it does it's all it knows

 - nerina pallot

-

i think humans are beautiful, by design
because our dreams can scale mountains
and yet
we give ourselves to glorious inanity

and yet again, we are beautiful
because of our second chances.

-

agapao, don't you think?

-

this is when you are overconfident

youth,
is like a stormful of glitter. its bright, its beautiful -
it settles into your hand
it is an utter sensation
it is A Thousand Prickling Flowerbuds (& it knows it is).

or, in another swallow
it is a mouthful of spirit that streams 
into your pulmonary arteries - bleaches them pink and panting -
sets your heart aflame

sometimes, in retrospect, your mind doubts
'what if, I burn and never come back'
youth turns. clucks a little, and ducks into the frontlines
whistles,
never looks both ways.

-

and this is, underestimating futility.

maggie glass,
she peers into the flowers

thinking, if she concentrates just enough on that trail of ants, she could singe them (probably.)
just a little more

i can show you the world
shining, shimmering, splendid

-

that what you think. my mind utters it with a vengeance (too watered down by brandy, though, to be spiteful) and like clockwork, I look upward at the sky. long sightedness nonwithstanding, I can almost see it, through lashes slicked sweet with mascara

a moving constellation. it inches, slowly but steadily - I follow it as it disappears behind cloud cover, then reappears again. or was it the clouds that were travelling?

watching light that is, perhaps several thousands of years old, it brings a new perspective to life. the feeling, I muse:  in short, is stuff that makes for lapses in judgement - when you see a bottle of rare wine and suddenly, you'd sell off everything, even your husband, to have it. seeing those stars, that far off glimmer that seems to have been interrupted too early,

I suddenly feel like a split end
a castoff of their heavenly clique - denied entry to their illuminating discussion (that would have been oh-so-interesting, if stars could talk)
left out in the grand scheme of things, so that instead of being given my own light, I was abandoned to be imperfect, human. but on sympathy, perhaps - graced with a teeny smidgen of the galaxy I was supposed to be, nestled in my core. just to keep me running.

'honey? honey-'

a familiar voice brushes against my shoulders. I turn slightly, and you're standing beside me, hands extended, fingers slightly pink with cold.

'honey, you have to come in now - you've been on the roof for hours.'

oh. a smile creeps, almost a hairline crack against my lips.
oh -

'so there you are, the rest of my universe,' I laugh, and plunge into your arms.

'don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.'
1 timothy 4:12

I'm reaching my hand to Yours
believing there's so much more
knowing that all You have in store for me is good
is Good

today is the day - lincoln brewster
-

'that house looks like it was made to match the skyline.'

sometimes, when my thoughts slow down to a trickle
i would just like time to, tremble,
take a breath, get a coffee at that - point of difference
before my hand lets go

if you forget this, how much more will you...?

'see - it's turquoise,'

...but, that's our house, i want to say, before my voice dies out. a little struggle, a sip of water, three seconds of landscape scrolling past the windows later,

'...no, its more of green. isn't it?'

almost home.

should I make noise, or
not

-

and inane grief
does it grip the head, or the heart?

...just need more sleep.

...
sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
miley - the climb

see, a soul at pinpoint.

you're still breathing, though. I can see you, and you're nervous - crouched in the rubbled concrete, it and you smelling like badly made dough
muttering muttering muttering in staccaco like ramblings with your words like butterflies, never making it to the ground
asking, thinking, is this world enough, almost enough, for us?

I think so, I think
and my hands make it to your hair

a tight squeeze, but its just right.

'The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?'
Psalms 27:1

exhale - hale and hearty,
a shadow of its tongue, still drenched and tasting like a freshly brewed draught.
I think I'd know what you were thinking
if I could just think straight myself
on a pebbled path, without the strength to cry - toenails stained with magic
- like dorothy's,
her ruby-red shoes

-

heaven is a trench in the dirt.
brown so dark against your strawberry hair
and bullets sailing overhead; pinning collars, unpicking stitches
carnal enough, untamed enough
to break a mother's heart

heavy breathing amidst banana leaves
you're caught, aren't you
& you're the last they'll ever see, nearly three hours past
fingers' muffledly screaming, dragged into the forest;
tear stained cloud-breaths of humidity
clinging, against the edges of what you once were.

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things on the earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace

-

sometimes I think, deeper
into problems that seem murky, unquantifiable
and my future like sand

you'd think I could grasp them with my fingers, but they just tingle, tickle
and hurt, like a stab
trying to sneak itself into a single pinprick of a second

but it's a comfort.
thinking, praying

Him

this Him - so vast, like an ocean
that these things, these small little things, are swallowed
while I remain floating

humbled, and
loved.

-

jc can sometimes be sian, meaningless, boring, and end to a means more than a means to an end
but in the end, I feel older, stronger
more in tune to the humming pressure on our shoulders
to what makes people bend and break (and it does take alot).

there are many things that I love. will learn to love more. many things that I will have to let go. or keep. it gets confusing.
but in the end, when I blink away the fears, I realise there's something above all that. and it's not so much about me as much as it is about Him. I am michelle, I tell myself, and I am not to be so uncertain

-

the paradox of Christianity
05.07.09

by losing, you gain
by surrender, you have victory

& to become a leader, you have to be the servant of all

'take up the cross, and follow Me.'

to anyone who might know me personally, please please donate your old canvas shoes/sneakers
even if they're hole-y and stink to high heaven
am teaching myself how to vandalise shoes
& I need something to start on!

D:

D:

D:

YEOW.
well person

please treasure my wallet and my BEAUTIFUL PINK IC
and my BEAUTIFUL BLUE EZLINK and my BEAUTIFUL PICTURE OF TIGA

they are beautiful. they will bring light into your life and warmth into your heart
they will give you a flawless outlook on life and even clouds will curtsey for you

you will gain an aura, an aura of gold like honey drizzled pancakes
like jade coated caviar arranged meticulously into the precise 3 dimensional conformation of a 30000-scaled majesty of a chinese dragon

and that dragon will pick you up by it's teeth, spit a blue arrow on your head and call you AVATAR
your future is good, it is good, I can assure you
for the AVATAR is x years old but with a young, extravagantly youthful face. fit for a king, fit for a beauty centre advertisement, fit for a korean drama

please eat garlic everyday
it is good for you
<3

--->

BECAUSE YOU'RE A KIND HEARTED PERSON WHO RETURNED MY WALLET <3

31.5.09
message

God pays attention to prayer
and of all
he notices those of compassion, and love, because that is his language

unpolished or fluent, but equally earnest
with humility and repentance
He listens

and when he does, Heaven is open to us.

'Father, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.'
mark 9

-

baptism afterthoughts

I was never much of a brave soul
and especially when it came to religion, it always was

'I'm scared'
'I'm scared'
'I'm scared'
'This is uncomfortable'

and I went through life like that, someone who basically tried to exclude herself from everything she could, in various areas of life - camps, outings, etc - in order to hide, because to her, being out and exposed would mean being excruciatingly lonely. it was like that. and it was extremely self-defeating. because despite how people tried to reach out to me, I pulled back. Avoided phone calls. I couldn't even make eye contact with old friends or relatives at the dinner table.

looking back, it wasn't just shyness. what was it? I don't know. it was this fear of being rejected and lonely and made myself the loneliest. and it came to the point that I even wanted to stop going to church, to stop being christian, because it seemed like one of those sources of loneliness.

but then, suddenly, without warning, I experienced Him
it was just the greatest feeling of comfort and love that I had ever known.
and my heart went 'what is this? what is this feeling that just totally blew me away?' It was Him.

and that's how God, to me, became overwhelmingly real, something that couldn't be denied.
that's how He touches people, I guess. it is exceedingly personal, a type of personal that doesn't make alot of sense when it's not yourself. but the imprint he left on my heart was special.

now, 2009
I am by no means a strong Christian
nor a super-michelle, a michelle with all her bad parts negated, nor a michelle with 100% more added calcium

but I think, I am alot less scared. that didn't come easy. but ever since that day, my habit of self-defeat was increasingly superceded by His love, the feeling of inclusion. I can feel it every Sunday. Every day. all I have to do is pray. Sing. It comes. The feelings of distress don't come as often. my personality is finally able to come out with less hesitation.

over all, I will follow Him. & that is more than enough.
-

to the mini-discussion going on,
I'm not really qualified. cause I have never thought to crit-question my faith, in that particular direction
alot of my faith was establishing it to myself. wringing out the sour parts with my heart. which has little relevance

the only thing I have to back myself up with is my testimony.
so yes, I will confess.
again, and again, and again.

if I, or we come off as uppity or holier than thou, it is unintended. for me, emotions get in the way alot. and when they do, my tone of speech or wording gets out of whack.

): dad's gone to new zealand
please, safe, and journey mercies.

vegetarian week has officially ended!
in the name of fun, vanity, and unorthodox scientific experiments
although I did complain tons and tons, with Tofu beating me up quite abit, I think it was pretty good for my self-control :D

plus, there are now some permanent additions to my diet!
tomatoes
raw garlic
brown rice

and some new discoveries:
whatever I did, I HAVE ALOT MORE FART IN ME (though more volume than concentration. ...uhhh, too much information.)
when eating food you are not so enthusiastic about, it is much of mind over matter
garlic burns on an empty stomach. and feels a little crampy.
...man, this diet saves alot of $.

somehow, I feel quite proud of that. haha! small achievements. to be honest, this week I have realised that eating healthy things tend to give me a heck of a positive multiplier in terms of my happy meter, rather than if I ate lots of junk (though that is probably due to the fact that there is a top-secret pipe from my stomach that likes to pump said junk to my face).

michelle has discovered her secret to happiness!
and farting. which negates.
oh well D:

-

& I have been searching names today
some of which are really pretty

name (origin) - meaning

alazne (basque) - miracle
mirai (basque) - miracle
amaia (basque) - end
allegra (italian) - cheerful, lively, related to musical term allegro
fia (italian) - a flickering fire
tegan (welsh) - fair
chenoa (native american) - dove

cherokee (native american) - people who speak a different language
kai (welsh) - keeper of the keys
dante (italian) - enduring
rhys (welsh) - ardour
jerome (greek) - sacred name
uri (israel) - light of God
aiden (irish) - warm little fire

thinking of these as a parent, naming your child - giving them a small meaning, a piece of you that will follow them for the rest of their lives - the feeling is warm. that is little sliver of power, something I will cherish carefully when my time comes

haha, sometimes I think of children. well, specifically, the 'child'.
mine and yet not mine, smelling and feeling totally like a miracle
it's a little selfish and weird, but
yeah
michelle dreams!

semi-vegetarian week starting today!
hoo~

-

update: the extra tofu is making me fart D:

-

I think I might be allergic to some kind of person
a very, very rare kind

so that for some unfathomable reason, whenever I see that person
I do something stupid

and just cannot be a functional personality.
it must be secondary school, coming back to haunt me.

there's an endless song
echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

-

17.5.09

it's good to know:
despite how much I may dislike myself, He loves me more than what's enough.

joshua means 'the Lord saves'.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

not once, nor twice, but three times.